2 am and i’m still awake… and for no good reason. getting up tomorrow at 7:30 will be painful.
i haven’t been enjoying these past few weeks of peds as much as i thought i would. i love the kids when i’m with them, but i’m just not feeling the excitement about peds when i’m not in the clinic or in the ER.
with my part-time outpatient schedule (most of my weekends and many afternoons off) and 7 hrs of sleep/night, i should be having the time of my life, right? on surgery, i hardly had enough time to eat and shower, let alone read for the next day or study for the shelf exam. but these days, with the most free time i’ll be having all year, i find myself bored and lazy.
part of the problem, i think, is that on my no-time-for-anything-but-the-hospital surgery schedule, i “unlearned” all of the normal-life things i used to do for fun. i stopped reading the news everyday. i stopped keeping up with politics. i stopped cooking. in fact, i stopped caring about what i ate as long as it kept me full until the next day. i stopped hanging out with friends on a regular basis. i stopped wanting to read books or attempt crafty projects. i stopped telling josh about huge chunks of my life.
so now i’m bored, but can’t muster up the motivation to study, but feel guilty for doing anything else.
another part of the problem is that i’m not feeling the challenge or the pressure that was a constant part of life on surgery. even after a 12-14 hr day on surgery, i wanted to (and knew i had to) read up on my patients’ diseases. so far on peds, i have not used UpToDate at home except once, to review something for josh’s mom.
it scares me a little that i’m not finding myself much happier on peds vs. surgery. in fact, it stresses me that i’m so un-stressed on peds. the lack of pressure and drive leaves me a bit worried how my outpatient peds evals will go. on surgery, my goal was simply to not make a bad impression, but since i’ve always figured i’d eventually end up in peds or IM, i worry that i’m not trying hard enough for the above average evals.
this is my last week of part-time outpatient service anyhow. next week i start working 6 days a week in the hospital again – first in the newborn nursery, then wards, and then inpatient nephro. and then i’ll be complaining how little time i have.