human April 21, 2007

drunk (slightly) posting here.

it’s been a rough week.  or a rough couple of months i guess.  and today’s exam was just as bad.  and i was sad that i wouldn’t be seeing josh since he was flying out of town for a conference.  but i’m SO GLAD i went out with my friends tonight.   it’s so nice to go out and be normal and most of all, to be free of the pressures/obligations of studying and working and constant evaluation by your residents and attendings.

on my way to the exam this (er, yesterday) morning, the sky was completely overcast and i worried about being caught in a storm without an umbrella.  after the exam, we headed to the memorial for the classmate who had passed away earlier this week.  by then, the sky was sunny and clear, and it took a moment to recall the clouds that had been so foreboding just a few hours earlier.  the ceremony was beautiful and sad.  and of course, i had trouble keeping my eyes dry.

i slept a few hours in the afternoon, got up in time to watch grey’s anatomy, and then i had dinner at a friend’s prior to hitting the club/lounge.

all in all, it was one of the first days in a long while that i’ve felt human, and not just a grumpy, sleep-deprived hospital robot.

depressing April 16, 2007

i heard about the Virgina Tech killings from the CNN that was on in a patient’s room.

3 hrs later, i walked into class, and was told that one of the fourth-years at our school had died in a plane crash.  she was married, and her husband had been my first intern, way back in july when i had started my third year of medical school with my surgery rotation. 

dysfunctional April 16, 2007

hating and dreading my life. 

will explain when the misery is over.  but let’s just say that little pieces of my soul (the happy, enthusiastic pieces) have died the last two call nights.

torn April 1, 2007

there have been plenty of rough times this year.  but never have i felt so close to a breakdown as i have during these past few weeks.  and it’s not any one thing but the confluence of so many stressors and expectations, both personal and professional.  sometimes i just feel like i’m being pulled back and forth and apart, without a chance to pause and reflect on or even enjoy the present. 

at the same time, i feel guilty about even complaining about my life when so many people have it so much worse.  i have the luxury of worrying about finding a job that makes me happy rather than one that makes money.  i have the privilege of being in a profession which involves instant connection with people during their best and worst times.